I was born with Asperger’s, which is on the autism spectrum. Asperger’s means I have difficulty with interpersonal relationships. It wasn’t until my early 60s that I was diagnosed with this birth condition. Until then I only knew that I was “different” and life was very difficult.
Asperger’s is the condition where I am fixated in life on one thing, for me it is religion, I became so consumed in that area of study that I acquired six academic degrees and taught religion in college. Asperger’s also means that I lack interpersonal skills, which results in living a very lonely life. Autism means that daily life, even the simplest tasks, are a struggle for me.
The Mayo Clinic offers this description of Asperger’s: Asperger’s syndrome is on the autism spectrum disorder. It is a condition related to brain development that impacts how a person perceives and socializes with others, causing problems in social interaction and communication. The disorder also includes limited and repetitive patterns of behavior. Autism spectrum disorder begins in early childhood and eventually causes problems functioning in society — socially, in school and at work.
Plagued with this disorder I have suicidal ideation, which the Cleveland Clinic describes as: Suicidal ideation is when you think about killing yourself. The thoughts might or might not include a plan to die by suicide. You may have heard suicidal ideation referred to as “suicidal thoughts.” Not everyone with suicidal ideation acts on it. Suicidal ideation, or suicidal thoughts, is when you think about, consider or feel preoccupied with the idea of death and suicide. These thoughts may come and go or be extremely distracting. As such, these thoughts can range in severity and intensity. While having a thought isn’t the same as physically attempting suicide, it can still impact your mental health and lead to suicidal behaviors or self-harm.
Because of the difficulty of living with autism, I am consumed with suicidal thoughts to the extent that I have been institutionalized five times for suicidal ideation. The following three reasons is why I have not acted upon these thoughts:
1. Dead is Dead. Often when I think about suicide I think gone on Tuesday, a new day on Wednesday; as if, after the suicidal act there will be rebirth the next day and a new life absent of the agony of autism. What I really know is dead is dead, there is no coming back from the grave.
2. Next Chapter. I like to think of life as reading a novel, with each chapter bringing forth the unknown. Each succeeding chapter offering new experiences and the possibility of new joys. I would like to finish my book as the last chapter was intended, not leaving it discarded and uncompleted.
3. Fear of Death. I am afraid of death. I am afraid of what is on the other side. I know that evangelicals teach that I will go eternally to heaven and all will be joy as I sing praises to my Lord and Savior. I don’t think an eternity of anything could be joyful. Also, I don’t envision heaven to be a perfected mirror of earth, where we are reunited with family and friends. If heaven is not a bodily experience, I don’t think a free-floating spirit has much to offer. Further, I question if there is a geographical region in the universe to accompany heaven. I really think that when you are dead, you are dead, though I am afraid of encountering this event.
Note: If you have suicidal thoughts, you can call or text the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988. However, you don’t need to be in a “crisis” to call the Lifeline. Someone is available to talk to you 24/7.